what do you do when someone tells you:  dont fall in love with me yet!  - shit thats all i can say!!!

loving has never been an easy business for me...  i am standing at a crossroad right now, not knowing which direction to take...  people say that love is a game, but is it?  how can we treat loving as such when the price that we have to pay is our emotions...  the past few weeks has been quite difficult for me...  i am faced with a decision to choose and its a tough one since my happiness is at risk...  right now, i have the love of this person whom i also love as well but am i wasting my time with him?  how long will i have to wait for him...  lets face it, im not getting any younger and life is moving forward for me...  but i do love him...  i fell in love with him...    on another side of the picture is this guy, whom ideally has the right "package" so to speak...  older, mature...  but he can never be mine in the sense that i dont think i will have his heart...  yes he likes me and would want to give it a shot, but he is a lost soul on this earth...  he chooses to take things as they are without any demands or expectations...  he is willing to share anything with me, however limited it maybe than share nothing at all...  im not good at using logic in love, i never was and its hard to choose what my mind says whats right and what my heart wants... i wish that i could have my cake and eat it too but i cant...

this isnt starting the new year right?!?!  when should one let go and when should one still try to hold on???  im faced with a dilema of choosing between two persons yet i am afraid of loosing them both...  so, i ask my question earlier, when should one let go and when should one still hold on...

I would like to greet everyone a very Merry Christmas!!!  how fast this year was...  i still remember everything i was going through at the start of this year...  in the end things have worked out for me...  i have again found myself getting closer to my family, relatives and my relationship with miguel seems to be working out beautifully. i have so many things to be thankful for in my life.  i can only hope that the coming year will bring more blessings not only to me but to each and everyone.  may we all get what we deserve.  Cheers guys! 

let me introduce you guys to missy! 

missy is obviously a female dog and is two months old and was given to me as a christmas gift.  ive never been fond of animals but the miniatures are very nice and very affectionate.  she is the cutest thing ever.  this is my first time taking care of a dog and im pretty excited.  got it a cage and a bed where she sleeps.  in the few days that i have had her.  i dont really have any problems except that it sometimes breaks my heart when she whimpers and whines inside the cage.  but the thing is that i dont really want to spoil it that much coz i wont be home the whole day.  i cant wait for the holidays to be over and im bringing her to  eastwood where its a pet friendly zone.  everyone whos seen her instantly falls in love with her.   because of the nature of her breed, she is a very affectionate dog who is content sitting on your lap or laying beside you.  the other day when i was taking a nap in miguels room, i was exhausted after a long day of shopping, they do was on its bed beside me on the bed and it moved down and stayed on my arm the whole time while i was asleep. i really do hope that i get to house train her coz i would love to have her walk around the house...  its just so cute!

i havent been writing much lately, i guess its a case of writers block...  i have been meaning to write an entry here on relationships.  not a day passes by where i dont get to thank Him for giving me this relationship.  i have been The Single Girl...  i have lived my single life of fun, laughter and i have lived it to the fullest enjoying myself.  there was a time when i didnt want to get into a relationship, not for fear of pain but because of the fact that at that time, i was having a ball!  i felt that this was the life, carefree, no worries...  but then somewhere along the way, i stumbled on a few men whom i had committed myself to and all these relationships well, didnt really work out.  over time i have learned more of myself.  what im willing to bargain and what are the non-negotiables to me... and i have realized that the best times in my life was when i was single and having a blast...  friendships have always been important to me and being one of the boys has made my single life more fun...  you get to enjoy the company of good guy friends and there is no pretension or competition against each other...  then one day, it all changed.  i got in this relationship which has made me  understand and learn how it is to truly love and what loving entails and means...  it isnt all bliss of course, but i welcome arguments, fights for i know that they make the relationship stronger...  i have learned that sometimes its ok to not be that strong person all the time and to rely on someone else's strength...  being a very independent person, i always made sure that i could rely on myself and only myself and not to give anyone any power over me...  i thought that was a sign of strength but its not coz being strong means that you are able to admit that you are also weak and you need others...  miguel has put up with a lot of things about me and vise versa... a lot of people are shocked to see us together still and going strong...  it has also surprised me.  i guess life has its way of showing us what we need to learn at certain points in this journey and bringing people together.  i really cannot begin to describe how this relationship makes me happy, on how i look forward to being with him and not being scared of whatever problems, fights that we may have along the way coz i know that it only makes this relationship stronger...  last night, he told me one of the sweetest things ever, he said that he has found himself falling in love all over again with me... my heart took a leap when he told me this and the thing is inside me, i also felt that.  in the past few weeks, i have found myself falling deeper and deeper and this time, i am not afraid.  unlike before that it would scare me since falling deeper means that the pain could be just as deep, i am not afraid anymore to let myself fall deeper and deeper...  maybe this time i can say that i now understadn how it is to really love and what love really is...

just got back from a 3-day beach holiday!  it felt so good, i wish that i could stay there foreever...  the beach, the sand, the sun and no worries at all.  had so much fun this weekend.  my cousin's friend brought jet skis and wakeboards so we all had a new activity this weekend.  after test driving and playing around with the skis, each family wanted to get one but once they saw the hassle of fixing it and loading in onto the trailer attached to the car, everyone changed their mind again...  hmmm... it would be better if we got a beach house instead so there would be no  hassle!  haha!  R called me up from the beach and we just made kwentuhan as if we have been doing that forever...  maybe with the events that has happened we both fully understand our positions in each others lives and instead of it causing a strain, it has made us more comfortable with each other...  the thing is all the more now, he is not afraid of telling me his feelings and he is being more visible more than ever but it still doesnt change anything, or does it?  maybe me getting in a relationship made him realize that he could loose me so now he is making all these effort?  i dont really know but one thing i am more certain now more than ever is that i know that he truly loves me and this love is more pronounced right now.  i still have feelings for him but then again i am with another person who i also love and i know that with R i cant be with him now...  i dont know, now im confused... why did he have to be like this now that i am with another?  if only i felt all these before it would be okay for me to be with him in a non-formal situation, coz after all what is formality, its just for other people, right?  but now that i am with someone i love he again comes in the picture and shakes me up!  last night, i was wondering how it would be if i just ended it with miguel and tried to see where id go with R but i didnt have the guts to take that risk coz i was once hurt and burned and i didnt want to go through that again...  all i know is that i appreaciate R more now because after all of the drama that we have been through and after all the mood swings with me, he is still there and is not scared to lay his heart out for me right now, however i also understand that there are certain things that have not changed, he still cannot give me the commitment that i deserve...  i guess its really better this way, that we are friends...  maybe now is not the time for us...

a late night text last night prompted me to think that maybe i should start writing here again...  so shiro, this is for you.  thank you  so much for your concern and yes i am ok.  it just goes to show that even if you do not see the person as often anymore, the friendhship remains and its in doing nothing that it fades away...

just a few days ago, i was faced with the reality of how it is to be in a relationship and that you will never know when its gonna end...  last friday i thought that the solution to it was to just let it go and leave...  but no matter how difficult things are, things change when love is involved...  in an instant, i could just to pick up and leave, after all i know what i deserve and my going out the other night showed me how many people really love and care for me; but i didnt leave.  i chose to stay and try to see if it can be fixed.  why?  because i have long ago decided to love this person and once you have made that decision, you love that person even on days when he's absolutely unlovable, on days when he absolutely drives away every drop for sanity in you, and on days when you just want the earth to swallow you alive and on days when you just want to give up and say i've had it!  but no, i decided to stay because i believe in this relationship, i believe in this love and i believe that this is worth it...  in the end, after all the tears and the drama, we were able to work things out and i believe that it has made me appreciate him more, love him more and most of all it has reassured me of how he feels towards me and this relationship... 

i have had a lot of realizations and revelations connected to the events in the past week...  i have learned that i am really blessed and lucky when it comes to having male friends... it was during this time that i got to see how much i mean to them and i am really thankful for that...  special mention would also go to khalil and chase for being there for me that friday...  i know the risk that was involved -- thank you!  i also learned that communication is really essential.  at the end of all this, all it boiled down to was really miscommunication...  so to everyone out there, lets not get ahead of ourselves and start assuming things, we will never really know whats going on with the other person if we do not ask!  i also have learned that we should never lose ourselves in a relationship...  you should always know your worth...  at one point last friday, i really thought that after this day, i would be single again and i was not afraid.  it doesnt mean that i didnt love him or anything, it just goes to show that i know what i deserve and that i know my worth...  we should never forget this!  it doesnt also mean that if it had ended that night it wouldnt hurt, it would and i would cry a river, fyi, but i am still me, i never lost my identity in the relationship.  a relationship is two WHOLE individuals getting together and not two halves being one!

let me end this by thanking everyone out there!  miguel once thanked me for everything that i am, now its my turn to thank him for making me believe in this relationship and in love...

let me thank rish, dennis and jogee for surprising me with their friendship and support last night!  all i can say is im glad for guys like you!

GOD WAKES US IN THE MIDST OF A STORM TO TEACH US A LESSON. HE TAKES AWAY PEOPLE WE LOVE SO WE CAN LEARN TO VALUE LOVE ITSELF. HE MAKES US CRY SO HARD SO WE CAN SEE CLEARLY WHEN WE OPEN OUR EYES. HE MAKES US BITTER SO WE CAN REALIZE THAT THERE IS NO
GENUINE HAPPINESS IF WE THINK ONLY OF OUR OWN NEEDS AND NOT OF OTHERS.